grateful for all the loss i faced in the past 2 months, but i am still deeply sad via /r/gratitude

almost 3 months ago i saw my ex for the last time. i knew it was coming, but the reality was much worse to bare than i could have ever imagined. i cried, i begged, i got upset, i did everything you shouldn’t do basically after someone breaks up with you. all of it was quick, painful, and emotional. we moved out of state together, and with little notice at all she went back to her home state. we had a lot of issues, disagreed about some fundamental issues. we were going hopefully reconvene one day, but i ruined it by looking too deeply into things that my heart could have gone without knowing for the rest of my life. no break up is one person’s fault most of the time, and it was clear we were too far gone. we are in no contact, and i doubt i will hear from her again. this felt solidified today. christmas was our time. the decorations, the joy, the teasing about presents, the music, the light shows, the smiles, laughs, the matching pajamas, hot cocoa, the sweetness. for some reason, though i have practiced for 2 months straight on how to repair and feel safe moving on, i had a small tinge of hope that i would hear something. but luckily, i didnt let that hope go too far, because i knew i would be disappointed.

a few weeks after, i decided i needed to move home. i told my mom i was feeling s***dal and she told me that her boyfriend was moving in and that it may be better to move in with my brother. i told her the main reason i wanted to come home was because i wanted to nurture my relationship with my little brothers. for background, my mom was an emotionally neglectful parent. she did not validate us, teach us regulation, and kept us in deeply dangerous situations in the interest of men. she got us kicked out of an apartment because she moved a man in. we were in hotels for months after that, until my sister, who was underage at the time, reached out to a private landlord and secured us housing. i think my mom tried her best, but she is deeply unhealed and narcissistic, denying her physical and emotional abuse and all of our collective realities. i checked in on my brothers to make sure they were okay, as i havent lived with them for 6 years. my little brothers had experienced a loss and had not processed it, and it made me nervous they were being neglected. my mom agreed for me to move in after i said i would pay rent and not stay long. when i got home to bring some stuff to the house (i live 5 hours away) i noticed my brothers teeth had gray spots, and this poor depressed 11 year old was clearly not taking care of himself. i planned on getting in a routine with them, making sure they were okay, and i let it slip to my mom that he hadnt brushed his teeth. my mom started calling him disgusting, patronizing him, and it made me upset. *you are the neglectful parent. how can you stand here and bully him. in that moment i just saw myself standing in front of her, my feelings disregarded and ignored for the sake of being taught a lesson. she kept asking him questions and he stood there shaking. finally i had enough and told her that he didnt feel safe. she told me to shut up. after that, i let her have it. i told her that she neglected us. that she was a narcissist. that she prioritized men over her kids. that i was depressed and relied on weed for years. that she was the reason i reacted so poorly to everything and contributed to my relationship ending. she kicked me out and told me to never come back. after this, i told her that i wanted to apologize to her in front of the kids so that they knew conflict was not resolved this way. she said no. i told her that this was the last time i would try to repair our relationship, as i had cut her off for cruel behavior before, and that if we couldnt reconcile that this was the last time we would talk and i would block her. she blocked me first

in the midst of all this, i felt like i was going crazy. one night, the overwhelm of losing my girlfriend, losing my relationship with my mom for the last time, i cold turkey stopped smoking weed. while it was a deeply good decision, i finally felt fully alone. i cried pretty much every night for the next few weeks. i missed a week of work because i was not capable of functioning, luckily my boss was very, very kind about it. one night, i was having a really, really bad panic attack. i called everyone i knew, and no one answered. i looked at my curtain rod. if i left this world, no one would know. for a very long time. i was a state away, fully alone, and in the worst mental condition of my life, which is really saying something bc i could write an odyssey length autobiography about all the bullshit ive been through and seen, and felt i had no purpose to go on. for some reason, i just got up and went to sleep.

the next day, i went to a psychiatrist for an emergency appointment. i took the money that i spent on weed and got medicated with things would actually help me. i got diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety and ptsd, which was validating because i always felt like i was being dramatic. since, i have spent every day focusing on myself, working on my portfolio, reframing my thoughts, accepting reality, navigating my cptsd, learning to acknowledge my faults, treat myself kindly, started meditating/practicing mindfulness and stop negative self talk. i have decided that my next goal is to go into psych to help people who are struggling/early childhood intervention. i have made friends who have been truly kind and who i see regularly. i have gotten perspectives from people in all walks of life, and realized the pain of judging books by covers. i’ve introduced other people to trauma work and cptsd. i started working on a graphic novel that i put on hold since my relationship started. i have plans to figure out somewhere i want to live that i will love. and most importantly, i started learning how bad and bizarre my upbringing was, and am now reparenting myself and practicing regulation. in a little less than 3 months, i have made some significant changes that i am proud of myself for. i am currently 6 weeks sober and my mental clarity, memory and rationalization skills are somewhere i didnt even know was possible. i’m doing good.

but on days like these, christmas. my favorite holiday for the amount of love involved. i feel sad. i think about the mornings i would wake up, the way i was so excited i couldnt sleep the night before. the smiles on everyones faces as they opened their presents. i remember the way my ex’s arms reached out to me. the endless tiktoks she would show me. the way she would make me laugh so hard that i couldn’t breathe. her soft kisses, holding each other every night. the i love yous, the i miss yous, the never ending texting. the shows and movies we watched, the games we played together. the walks in our park, the late night trips to the store. our drives together, unpacking our apartment together. the music, the road trips filled with loud singing. her hand reaching for mine. the way i felt special to someone for the first time that i truly loved. i had dated people before, even been engaged, but the pain of this loss comes intensely and goes very slowly. she was the woman i changed for. the woman who provided a whole new perspective on life for me. she was my joy, my laughter, my inspiration to move forward. she was the reason i obsessed to learn about communication and heal. the reason i got up and went to work when she couldn’t, the reason i sacrificed my bills. my best friend, my lover, my biggest source of inspiration and the person i trusted and believed in the most. the person i spent all of my time with, to a detriment. now, i sit here on my couch sobbing, wishing i knew that the last time i held her or kissed her was going to be it. that i could have figured myself out sooner, and that she could have seen the man i am becoming. that wouldnt have changed her wrongdoings. i am frustrated with myself for not being able to accept those things as bad and struggling to put this in the past. it hurts, and it hurts because i have learned to acknowledge, not shift blame, to go against what i was taught and feel, allow myself to feel sadness in a healthy way. i learned that there are no bad people or good people, because i cannot quantify how much good or bad people have to do to meet that qualifier. i have too much empathy for people who do me bad, because i can see the pain of their past. through all of this, i am grateful. grateful for the pain. grateful for the loneliness. grateful for my vats who i would not have adopted if she was here. grateful that i am
learning about myself, being kind and true to myself, putting an end to my people pleasing and am expressing myself fully and authentically. i’m grateful for the people on reddit i have connected with, and that i have stopped smoking and got medicated. i’m grateful for my friendships and brothers and sisters. i’m grateful i have a roof over my head, and that though i didnt celebrate or decorate, that i didnt self delete and that i had the opportunity to spend any christmas at all. i am allied with my pain because it has never been my enemy. it has been a messenger attempting to get me to focus on my agonies. i am a better person for my losses, though they came very quickly and all at once. but it is no less lonely. and it makes me sad. i miss my ex, in a different way now but it is still there. i am mourning not having a childhood, and not having a single parent who really cared. i am mourning not growing up normally, all the opportunities i lost to anxiety and self doubt. all the pain i caused with my abandonment issues and bombardment. i am a sad, sad man today.

thanks for reading, sorry it was long and kinda sad. merry christmas everyone. next year, we will all be okay.