Grateful to not have to spend energy “creating magic” for Christmas! via /r/gratitude

Yesterday I had a wonderful day. I started out at work where I was able to do something pleasant for a few hours that brought a lot of people (and myself) joy. Then I went to my sport club where I spent a couple of hours in sweaty bliss learning to play said sport. After that I had my Christmas eve dinner in the parking lot of a gas station. And then I went to my mom's nursing home where I sat and listened to her wish she could die for a couple of hours. That part wasn't pleasant but it was important for me to be able to be there, and eventually I was able to rub her arm enough to make her relax.

While some of that is not ideal if you subscribe to the cultural expectations that tell you what a Happy Holiday really is, I am so grateful for the peace and autonomy it represents.

It was not lost on me that just a few years ago I would have been standing in the large kitchen of a McMansion, cooking for like a billion hours non stop. Cooking would have been interrupted for periodic visits to relatives who could care less if I was alive or dead, my bank account would have been reduced to supermodel thinness after buying hundreds of dollars of gifts for people who could care less, attending church services which I found boring and stupid, wearing clothing that was not comfortable, cleaning my house to impress people who might come by but never did, pretending I was The Perfect Southern Christian Woman, and feeling like I was drowning 24 hrs a day. I would have been separated from my family of origin bc my husband couldn't take being away from his own home for more than a few days, and the more his alcoholism took hold, the more difficult it was to shoulder the load of living perfect, alone.

This year, I spent a very small amount of money on three gifts that I am sure the recipients will love. I haven't set foot in a church in years. I am spending the day with my mom, and even though she is suffering, I know that my presence will truly bring her relief from the mental health struggles that have plagued her since she had a stroke a few months back. And that mango slushy at the gas station was so good. 🙂

I am so glad that I left a horrible life behind, and that I am enjoying a holiday of such immense peace that I could not have fathomed such things could exist just 5 years ago.

Peace to you all!